Who Cares About Jon & Kate Plus 8 OR Their Kids???

By BARRY KOLTNOW
The Orange County Register

We live in fast and fascinating times.

Let me give you an example.

Three weeks ago, I had never heard of Jon and Kate Gosselin. Two weeks ago, I had heard of Jon and Kate Gosselin, but didn't care about them. Now, they really annoy me. A week from now, I hope I never have to hear their names again.

If you have never heard of Jon and Kate, please allow me to ruin your day. The Gosselins are a Pennsylvania couple with eight children 9-year-old twins and 5-year-old sextuplets. That adds up to eight, right? I faked a sick day when they taught addition in math class.

Anyway, the reason I have grown to dislike these people, even though I don't know them, is that Jon, Kate and their brood live their lives on a reality show on the cable network TLC. I didn't even know that TLC had a reality show. Apparently, the cable channel does have a reality show, and it is called "Jon & Kate Plus 8."

I am proud to say that I have never watched their show, even though it recently entered its fifth season. Many other people have never watched it, but the recent fifth-season premiere attracted 9.8 million viewers. That is double the audience that watched the fourth-season finale.

The reason for the increased audience, of course, is that the taint of infidelity reared its ugly head on the show, and apparently, 4.9 million additional people felt compelled to tune into the show to see who cheated, who didn't cheat and what would become of the faltering Gosselin marriage? From what I have heard, Jon was caught exiting a nightclub at 2 a.m. with a mystery blonde. That's what started the infidelity rumors. There also were rumors swirling around Kate's possible dalliance with a bodyguard. Then the divorce rumors really kicked in, and the rest is some demented version of history.

Have I mentioned that I don't care?

Well, that's not entirely true. I do care that these people have become tabloid and Internet superstars for nothing more than allowing their tawdry lives to be exhibited in public like a pack of wild Kardashians. More important, why do the tabloids, celebrity magazines and cable television give these people so much attention?

I would like to introduce a new concept. No, it's not a new concept. It's a very old concept that I am reintroducing for the benefit of the media. This novel concept is called a slow news day. It used to happen all the time. People got over it. They waited until real news happened again. It always does. But nobody wants to wait for anything anymore. The tabloid media, and the people who support it, would rather manufacture news than allow it to happen naturally.

That is the foundation of reality television and celebrity-based media. They produce fake news and fake drama to fill the void left by no news and no drama. I understand their motivations, money and desperation. The celebrity media has grown exponentially in recent years, and all these new media outlets desperately need content. Reality television is providing it. And both are making plenty of money by exploiting families like the Gosselins.

They can do what they want. Everybody is entitled to make money off a gullible public. And the public is certainly entitled to watch these human train wrecks. I know that explains some of the fascination. Everybody slows down at an accident scene. Besides, watching losers like Jon and Kate makes people feel better about their own lives.

But I don't have to play along.

I am not going to watch "Jon & Kate Plus 8" this season. I won't watch it next season, if there is a next season. Even if it goes on for the next 10 years, I won't watch. I really don't care what happens to these people. There is nothing that these pseudo-celebrities can do that would entice me to turn on their TV show.

If it turns out that Jon has eight more children with a secret wife in New Jersey, I won't watch.

If Kate leaves Jon and moves in with the Octomom, I won't watch.

If Jon and Kate go on "Dancing with the Stars," I won't watch.

If the sextuplets audition for "American Idol," I won't watch.

If they attempt to save their marriage by installing a stripper pole in their bedroom, I won't watch.

If Jon and Kate go out on a double date with Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie, I won't watch.

If it is revealed that Jon and Kate are actually deep-cover spies for an unfriendly regime, and agreed to have eight children and be on an American reality show as a cover for their intelligence work, I won't watch.