Why Women Can't Be Bosses

Since before the dawn of the 20th century, women have rallied against alleged improper treatment within the workplace. From suffrage to sexual harassment, feminism to workplace equality, women have been making leaps and bounds toward “fairness,” but are women really equal? No, of course not. Anyone who says they are is either grossly misinformed or a woman -- or probably both. The fact is that the glass ceiling exists for a reason -- a very important reason. If the glass ceiling was removed and women were promoted to ubiquitous positions of power, the economy would grind to a halt. And not that "The City, golden parachute, slight downturn" we’re in now, but a proper, Planet of the Apes-style apocalypse. Truth is, women simply cannot be bosses. The business world is set up in such a way that women are ill-equipped to be successful. Let’s take a look at the reasons why women are absolute train wrecks in positions of workplace authority.

Women can’t control their emotions

If you’ve ever worked for a woman, one of the first things you probably noticed was an eerie feeling that you’d stepped into the shoes of your secondary school self. You’re paranoid, constantly checking over your shoulder and having to account for every waking minute of your workday. But why? Because every woman in a position of authority runs her department or team like you’re in a relationship. Women can’t control their emotions to save their lives and they take it out on everyone in their general vicinity. One of the most important aspects of workplace success is calm, composure and control over one’s emotions -- a series of concepts that are completely foreign to even the most “successful” of women. Contrast Benazir Bhutto with the Dalai Lama. Overwhelmed with the emotional need to return home to lead her nation, Bhutto ended up being murdered just as was rationally predicted. What use was that? Sure, you can't hold her responsible for her own assassination, but thinking with her heart certainly didn't do Bhutto any good. The Dalai Lama, on the other hand, has been doing great things with a great attitude, all from exile. We're sure he feels deeply for the plight of his people, but he doesn’t letemotions get the better of him, and thus he’s still successful.

All women have Queen Bee syndrome

When women get promoted in the workplace, they have a nasty penchant for turning on one another -- viciously. Apparently, women are so paranoid and irrational that they think every other woman in creation is gunning for their position. It’s as if they’ve never heard of something called merit. According to the Workplace Bullying Institute, a full 40% of workplace bullying incidents are instigated by women. Taken at face value, this seems like the minority until you remember that women make up nowhere near 40% of the management workforce. It turns out they feel it necessary to defend their jobs with all the guile and intrigue you’d find on a year eight playground. Like that bully from school, the Queen Bee has a similar overcompensation problem. If women in positions of power felt they were qualified and competent, would they really need to be such raging bitches? We think not.

Business was built by men, for men

Anyone who has seen an episode of Mad Men knows that business was, and is supposed to be, the domain of men. Really, for all the talk about women making strides toward workplace equality, the truth is that the business culture is still a man’s world. Deals are still done with a handshake over cocktails in a dark lounge -- not really what you’d call feminine. In order for women to compete with any level of competence, they have to adopt masculine qualities. Take a look at the trouser suit; seriously, what the hell is that? No one likes the pants suit. You know who wears a trouser suit? Hillary Clinton. By many accounts, she was something of a woman back in her college days. I mean, she was a hippie, but one of the female hippies. We're guessing she had to exhibit some feminine wiles to get Bill’s attention. But in the world of politics, she became a shrewd operator who rivals Rahm Emmanuel in back room, boys' club dealings. Which is fine -- she’s successful. But in all reality, Hillary Clinton is a man. And so of course is our very own Maggie Thatcher -- why do you think they called her "the Iron Lady"?

Women hold grudges

If you were to ask the woman who inspired the adage, "there’s nothing more fearsome than a woman scorned," what it was that pissed her off, the smart money says she remembers exactly what it was. Women are masters of holding grudges, for even the slightest perceived injustice -- which makes them terrible bosses. The business world is a give-and-take, battles-waged, deals lost and mistakes made kind of world. Everything done is a learning experience for personal growth, not a personal attack that needs to be avenged with the same ferocity of a mother bear defending her cub. The grudge-holding attitude women bring to the office wears on everyone involved. Women will sue professional rivals simply because they think they’ve been personally slighted. It’s completely irrational and completely inappropriate. Women would rather act like petulant children, fighting the last battle, than look forward to the next obstacle.

WOMEN IN THE WORKPLACE
Leading an office is not unlike leading troops into battle. There are goals to attain, hills to take, battles to win -- all of which require decisive leadership and the respect of those serving underneath. Women just cannot engender that sort of respect in their troops due to the backstabbing, the grudge-holding and the constant emotional outbursts. Women are better than men at some things, but being the boss sure ain’t one of 'em.